SIX OF CROWS | tradescantium

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Turns out adjusting to life in Ketterdam is much, much easier when you're part of a gang. Well, not really, not exactly. Jesper supposes it might be way easier when you're born into a family of merchants.

Or when you're not riddled with debts that are your and your fault alone, and when you're not forced to take odd, illegal jobs up until the point you're almost beaten to death and Kaz Brekker saves you and suddenly you're part of the Crows and you find out you've got a penchant for near-death situations where you just barely escape alive and-

"Jes! You're spacing out again," Anika pokes him in the side, and Jesper jolts back to reality.

"Was not," he mutters, perfectly aware that he was spacing out again.

Jesper is definitely not cut out for stake-out jobs. He's just not, there's no denying it.

Too much restless energy, too much jittering, and his guns and frankly amazing aim are no use when you're just sitting there, keeping an eye on what exactly is a group of Dime Lions doing at an abandoned warehouse.

He's not cut out for this kind of job, but Kaz asked - as much as Kaz Brekker can ask for something-, and Jesper would hurl himself into the harbor if that meant a chance at making him happy.

Well, happy. More like glad. More like satisfied. If that meant having just one appraising look from Kaz, one glance, one slightly upward curl of lips. Anything.

And doesn't that make him desperate?

"Looks like they're definitely up to something," Anika whispers, touching him again gently as not to startle him out of his world.

Jesper feels a rush of affection for this girl he only met a few months ago. For all - well, almost all - the Crows he's met, for this new family he has, for filling space and needs he didn't even know he had inside of him.

"Yup," he whispers back, making the p pop just to annoy Anika. "You think the boss has any idea what they're up to?"

"He has ideas what everyone in this city is up to," as they both end up snorting under their breath. "How about you go tell him."

"Shouldn't we go back together?"

"Nah. He had a mean look on him, this morning," Anika smiles and helps Jesper get to his feet.

"You're the only one who can survive his bad moods. I don't know how you do it, or why, since you're an annoying motherfucker."

"If you really, really think about it, he's an annoying motherfucker too."

Anika laughs again under her breath, and Jesper is just glad he made her laugh. Glad he's got her, glad he's got the gang, glad he's got this marvelous shitty city.

He came to Ketterdam to search for something, to study, to have fun, to get away from the insistent worry in his Da's eyes, to get away from the cherry tree that looks at the same time like a memory from the past and a heavy reminder of what his future is going to look like.

In Ketterdam, he found so much more. In the Crows, he found so much more.

In Kaz, he found so much more.

Jesper doesn't particularly mind the absurd shitty weather they have in Ketterdam. It's shitty, no one says it isn't. Honestly, you must be completely delusional to say the weather in Ketterdam is anything other than a fucking nightmare.

Jesper doesn't mind, just as he doesn't mind the majority of the weird fucking shit going on with the city. Actually, he quite enjoys those, clogged air, humidity, and constant downpour of rain whenever you're trying to do something included.

But oh, oh, Fjerda is just on a completely different lever of shittiness.

Freezing cold and snow everywhere, freezing cold and deadly ice storms, freezing cold and deadly ass everything in a country that is basically enginereed to kill you.

(And no, he's doing his best not to think about the fact that Fjerda is in fact engineered to kill him in more ways than one. Ice, snow, deadly animals, deadly drüskelle, deadly drüskelle working with them and not really aware of the fact that there's another like Nina right there. Nope. He has enough things to worry about as it is.)

Nina and Matthias argue most of the time, and when they're not arguing, they're busy trying to prove wether Grisha are unnatural monsters or drüskelle are genocidal maniacs. It might be both, but the thing is starting to get on everybody's nerve.

Inej constantly looks like she's about to ask her saints for help just to avoid murdering someone, Kaz constantly looks like he's already planned the demise of all of them - the key difference from normal-Kaz being that he usually looks like he's just thinking about murdering you.

Wylan is just doing his best to survive, and honestly? Jesper can't blame him.

But there's something in that never-ending infiniteness of white snow that is unnerving for all of them, except maybe Matthias.

Jesper is pretty sure there's something wrong with Kaz - or at least, something wrong in the way Kaz sometimes looks at him, like he's mad about something, like he's considering something Jesper still hasn't understood.

(He- hasn't done anything bad, as far as he knows. Not worse than usual, not worse than the usual fuck up Jesper is. And yet, the feeling is there, and Jesper sometimes feels like he isn't comfortable being around Kaz, which is even worse than fucking Fjerda.)

He does his best to focus on the mission ahead, tries his best not to think what would happen if someone discovered his abilities, tries his best not to wonder what would happen if the drüskelle got a hold of him, but the question is still there, constantly nagging at him.

Would Kaz go back for him? Would Kaz jeopardize his own plan to help Jesper? Would he do it for Inej? Jesper doesn't know, and he doesn't like the answer.

If he's not sure Kaz would go back for Inej, he's not desperate enough to think he'd go back for him.

"What do you want?"

Kaz doesn't look up from the papers he has on his desk, but Jesper is sure he can see a glint of something dancing on his lips. A smile, a grin. A grimace, possibly.

"Nice of you to join me."

"What do you want?" Jesper asks again, and maybe, just maybe, Kaz heard something different in his voice, saw something different than utter adoration behind his eyes, because he looks up from those fucking papers with something that vaguely resembles a stricken expression.

(There's something really fucking terrifying in the way he's talking to Kaz, something that resembles staring the other end of a gun's barrel. Jesper has never, ever tried to talk to him like this, not even in the worst moments. Not even when they were physically fighting.)

"I don't want anything-"

"No, that's not true. You told Inej to tell me I was missed around the Slat. So you need something from me."

"I don't need anything, not from you, not from anyone."

"Yeah, sure, and that's why you didn't fucking tell me. You used Inej to send me a message because you can't even come to say whatever the fuck you need to tell me-"

Kaz is suddenly on his feet, right hand tightened on his cane, a thunderous look on his face - and Jesper feels the thrill of a fight incoming, mixed with anxiety he has never felt before.

For the past years, Kaz has been his fixed point.

No matter how unmoored he felt, no matter how tired, hurt or afraid, Kaz was always there. Stable, unmoving, like the marble statue of Ghezen in the market square, like Jesper's own, personal god.

"I don't need anything, Jesper. And I don't know what's wrong with you. I was just trying to be nice."

"You don't have a single nice bone in your whole body, Kaz Brekker," Jesper spits out, unable to restrain himself, unable to process the rising anger he feels in his chest. "You knew I'd come running, and you couldn't even ask. So what do you want, for what new job do you need me?"

"You're talking like I can control you, Jesper. You're the wildest card I know, so-"

"Would you please just fucking stop it?" Jesper yells, without really wanting to. "Stop it with this fucking fantasy you have that I'm unpredictable, I'm a mess and I'm unpredictable and unreliable but all Saints be damned, Kaz, you know I'd do anything for you!"

There's a stunned silence after that, as Jesper's heart beats like it's about to hurl out of his chest, as Kaz looks at him with something Jesper doesn't really recognize.

"You knew I'd come running. I always do," Jesper continues, softer, like a prayer or a sad litany. "I always did, I always do. So just... don't play your tricks on me, Kaz. I'm tired."

And he is, he's so fucking tired, he didn't even realize that before he said it out loud, but Jesper would honestly curl up on the floor and close his eyes forever if it just were possible.

"I wasn't sure," Kaz replies after a while, with something that Jesper would classify as honesty, if that wasn't Kaz Brekker talking. "I wasn't sure, after everything that happened. If you'd still-"

There's another beat of silence after that, as Jesper's mind tries to wrap around that one fact he was always so sure about, but that said out loud makes a different impression on him.

"Still," that single world leaves his mouth softly, definitely quieter than what Kaz would deserve. "Never stopped. Always will."

Kaz exhales, something akin to pity in his eyes, and that's it, that's it, Jesper can't take it anymore.

He leaves, doesn't even run away, just leaves and spends the night roaming the streets of what he always felt like their city, and now just feels something strange and unknown.

It's over, Jesper decides at some point during the early hours of the morning. That's it.

His heart can't take it anymore.

"It's not true, you know?"

"What?"

"That you're not nice. I mean, you're not. Most of the time you're fucking evil. But you can be. In your own fucked up way."

"I don't know if that's an insult or a compliment."

"I don't know either."

Despite everything he promised himself, Jesper goes back, because he's desperate like that. Gambling has never been his worst addiction, he always knew that - and if he's being honest, Kaz probably knows too.

Except he really didn't seem so sure Jesper would be back, and Kaz Brekker isn't someone to beat around the bush when he wants something, especially when he wants something from Jesper.

Kaz usually doesn’t dignify him with his schemes and power moves - not when Jesper is just a mere part of them, definitely not when he’s the main event. Which he usually never is.

So that must mean Kaz truly didn’t know if Jesper was going to see him. Or it means he was bluffing, something’s he’s incredibly good at, to make Jesper think exactly this.

Great, now he’s overthinking it.

He overthinks it a lot more he’d care to admit, and then he goes back to Kaz, because that’s what he always does, that’s what he always will do.

Nevermind all those he will never do it again and all those his heart can’t take it anymore.

His heart is as much an addict as Jesper is.

“You’re back.”

“Surprised?”

“Not really,” Kaz replies after a beat, and for once, Jesper knows he’s not lying. “After what you said, I knew.”

“Yeah, well,” Jesper laughter sounds self-deprecating even to his own ears, and he’s not sure he likes that. “You know me.”

“I do,” Kaz says, and somehow says it in a way that makes Jesper all too aware all of a sudden, just like he feels when he has all eyes on him during a card game, just like he does in the split second before a shooting, just like he does whenever Kaz is looking.

Those words sound half like the answer to his prayers, half like a menace.

Jesper isn't actually sure what he'd prefer between the two. Possibly both at the same time. Possibly none. Everything is possible when it comes to what he wants when Kaz is involved.

There's more silence than what Jesper would like in the room, and Kaz is looking at him in a way Jesper isn't used to - he likes danger, he likes not knowing what to expect, he's not sure he likes whatever is happening at the moment.

“I know you, because you’re like me," Kaz says after a while, when Jesper started thinking there was something wrong with him. And maybe there is, because that's nothing Jesper would expect to hear from Kaz Brekker.

“I’m nothing like you.”

And he isn't, he really isn't. Kaz is an asshole, Kaz is a bastard, but Kaz is also the smartest person Jesper has ever met. Smart, resourceful, resilient, ruthless, definitely not a happy-trigger gambler constantly in trouble.

If there's anything Jesper knows, is that he and Kaz are like sun and moon.

“You want all the things I want," Kaz goes on, relentless, because that's who he is. "You don't want the things you should want. You don’t want to be good. You don't want to live a proper life. That's boring, you don't do boring.”

"That's not true," Jesper tries, even though the way Kaz is looking at him makes his knees weak in the very best way possible.

"I know you."

And the worst part is that he does.

Turns out that Kaz actually needs him for an odd job - which quickly becomes a second odd job, a third, a fourth, and then a number Jesper really tries not to think about too much.

(Wylan jokes, whenever Jesper has dinner with him, that the odd jobs are odd because Kaz doesn't really need him. It's not entirely wrong. Jesper has no idea what's happening. They've reached a weird compromise in which no one asks anything, and he doesn't want to ruin that, whatever that is.)

Kaz asks - or, well, his idea of asking. Anika usually asks for him, or Jesper finds notes and hushed messages that supposedly ask him to do things.

Kaz asks, and Jesper always says yes.

That's probably why Jesper finds himself hiding behind some smashed crates, in a part of the harbor they really, really shouldn't be in, without any backup. Being shot at.

"It was your idea, I didn't even want to come with you!" Jesper tries to yell between gunshots and generic screaming - it seems more on the others' part than on theirs, but he can't actually be sure.

"Of course you did," Kaz doesn't even bother looking him in the eyes, and to be fair, that's probably for the better. Of course he did. There's literally nowhere else in the whole of Ketterdam he'd rather be than at Kaz's side.

That doesn't make the situation they're in any better.

That doesn't make the bullet Jesper takes in his stomach feel any better.

It happens almost quietly, as quiet as a bullet can be. Jesper was too focused on trying to take out the Razor Gull shooting at Kaz - and doing a great job at it - to take care of himself.

And that just goes to show he shouldn't be in the middle of the action when he's thinking with his stupid heart.

Which is all the time.

"I trust you," Jesper tries to say, coughing weakly in a way that makes him almost cringe. That doesn't sound good. Definitely doesn't sound good.

"Of course you do, you reckless fucking idiot," Kaz growls, and that helps a lot.

Jesper isn't ready to die, he definitely needs to hear Kaz's gravelly voice do that a lot more. Something he didn't even know he needed, and now he has a reason to live.

He tries to say as much to Kaz, but the other man shushes him in a less-than-friendly way, and Jesper supposes if he's about to die and make things difficult for Kaz, the least he can do is shut up and die quietly.

"Don't you fucking dare," Kaz says again, and Jesper is sure he really he dying, because it almost feels like Kaz is pressing his hand on the bloodied wound.

He thinks there are worse ways to die.

And then, obviously, he doesn't.

When he comes back to it, he's lying in a bed in a place he doesn't recognize but looks like somewhere in the Slat. Everything hurts, but Jesper supposes that's a good sign, since he's still feeling every part of his body.

Kaz is there too, sitting right next to his bed, so close Jesper almost gasps - and then coughs strongly enough to taste blood in his mouth.

There's a weird silence Jesper doesn't like one bit, and a part of him can't help but think he must've done something wrong, yet again. Maybe that's why Kaz isn't speaking, maybe that's why he's standing so close, maybe that's why Kaz has that unreadable look on his face, maybe-

"It was my fault you nearly died," Kaz says all of a sudden, without looking up from the floor, in a way that's so much not-Kaz that Jesper feels stunned for a moment.

"It wasn't your fault. Also, I nearly died hundreds of other times, it's not exactly something new," he tries to joke as usual, but Kaz looks at him with such a feral expression that Jesper doesn't feel like going on.

"It was my fault," Kaz says again, right hand twitching over the bed linen, and Jesper would love nothing more than to hold his hand, to touch him, to give him comfort. He knows he can't, knows that's not the comfort Kaz wants right now.

"I was being stupid."

"What are you talking about?"

"I was being stupid, I wasn't thinking clearly. You shouldn't have been there. It made absolutely no sense, and you almost died because I was being stupid."

"No, I meant... What are you talking about? You're always stupid."

"I'm not-" Kaz automatically tries to retort, and then grimaces when Jesper starts laughing - and coughing once again. "Jesper-"

"Look, I don't know why you're being so weird with me, but we're okay. I'm okay. You never felt the need to do this, it's not your fault and it has never been your fault. I got hurt during a job. Could've happened to you. Happened to a lot of other people."

"You're not a lot of other people, though," Kaz says after a beat, and for a moment Jesper can see the glimpse of

"You know what? I really thought you slept in your office."

Kaz snorts, and Jesper takes that as a win.